How to Talk to Someone with Suicidal Thoughts
[Image Description: "When these infidel states are vanquished, you become a life-giver to others; 'And if anyone saves a life, it is as if that person has given life to humankind altogether.' -Qur'an 5:32" in left-aligned dark purple text. There is an enlarged dark purple and turquoise suicide prevention ribbon in the bottom right corner of the image. My First Former Buddy Club President logo is in the bottom right corner of the image with "FIRST FORMER BUDDY CLUB PRESIDENT" in center-aligned italicized black font overlapping an enlarged light blue heart will several small red hearts and a lighter blue background in the background of the enlarged heart. The background of the whole image that the quote, suicide prevention ribbon, and logo are on is light blue.]
CONTENT WARNING #1: I would like to mention that I am not a medical doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist and I am sharing this content for educational purposes only. Social media should never be used as a substitute for mental nor medical health care. If you suspect that you or any loved ones are experiencing any mental health concerns, it is okay to get help, and I highly recommend seeking help from a medical doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, and/or therapist who is qualified to do so. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or text "HOME" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. If deaf and hard of hearing, call 988 Videophone [for American Sign Language (ASL) users], dial 711 then 988, or send any message to 988. All of these hotlines are available 24/7 in the United States and Canada.
CONTENT WARNING #2: The religious/spiritual opinions on this blog post are mine based on my own experiences and do not reflect the opinions and experiences of everyone. Commentaries published on my First Former Buddy Club President influencer page represent diverse viewpoints. If you would like to submit a commentary, please contact me for more information. All perspectives and experiences are welcome here.
One of the most notable stories from the Bible is the story of Moses. In the story of Moses, God writes the Ten Commandments on two tablets of stone. Then, God gives the tablets to Moses on Mount Sinai to serve as written expectations for moral behaviors. The purpose of the Ten Commandments was to teach the Israelites how to be respectful and trustworthy of God. The fifth commandment states the following: "You shall not murder" (Exodus 20:13). In other words, everyone should avoid hurting anyone physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Instead of hurting people, places, and things, they should use their free will to be kind. This is especially important since no one ever knows for sure how the way that they treat other people will strongly impact them. Words are strong and can hurt. As my favorite saying goes, "Everyone is going through a rough battle that no one knows anything about. So, always be kind."
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There are various ways that everyone can use their free will to be kind to avoid emotional and spiritual murder. As an aspiring Special Education teacher, I am very passionate about mental health and Trauma-Informed Care and Education. So, I use my free will to be kind to avoid emotional and spiritual murder by showing care for the physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being of my students and everyone.
Currently, there is a global mental health crisis. It is common for individuals with disabilities that affect their social-emotional skills to struggle with negative self-talk and suicidal thoughts. There are people without disabilities that have these mental health struggles as well. Whenever anyone is struggling with negative self-talk or suicidal thoughts, it is important to respond carefully. Below are some ways to shift your language when talking to someone with suicidal thoughts to show support:
1. Instead of saying, "Do not say things like that. That is a horrible way to talk," say, "It makes me sad that you feel that way. I am happy that you are here, and I want you here."
While it is true that suicidal ideation is a horrible way to talk, it is also important to acknowledge that when anyone is stating negative self-talk or suicidal thoughts, it is usually caused by low self-esteem. Telling them not to talk that way is invalidating. This is still true even if the person saying it means well. In addition, if a person does have these thoughts, they should be self-advocating that they are having these mental health concerns. This is because when someone self-advocates that they are experiencing these thoughts, it may show that they trust the person who they are telling, and they can receive emotional support. So, thank them for sharing this information with you. There are many people with mental health struggles that are afraid of judgement in the event that they disclose the nature of this information to other people. Invalidating someone's thoughts can intentionally or unintentionally spiritually or emotionally murder them. When someone is spiritually or emotionally murdered, this can worsen their low self-esteem. It can also cause additional mental and physical health concerns, which can sometimes lead to tragedies such as acting on suicidal thoughts. Studies have shown that mental and physical health concerns caused by mental health struggles are common among teenagers. They can also occur in young children, pre-teens, and adults of all ages.
In addition, telling a person that you are happy that they are there and want them there is nurturing, shows that you care, and encourages a sense of belonging.
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2. Instead of saying "How could you think of suicide? Your life is not that bad", "You would make me/other people very upset/angry/devastated if you killed yourself", and "Suicide is selfish," say, "That sounds rough for you. It makes me sad that you are going through this rough time." You can also help them to reduce their All or Nothing thoughts.
What may not be hard for you may be hard for other people just like how what may be hard for you may not be hard for other people. Also, while losing someone to suicide is very traumatic, it is also important to acknowledge that people who attempt or die by suicide or have suicidal thoughts do not want to die; they are having these thoughts and may act on them because they want to end their deep, severe, emotional pain that feels unbearable. Their depression is so severe that they do not know how to manage it. They may be concerned that they are selfishly putting pressure on their loved ones by exposing them to witnessing their mental health struggles. They think that they are burdening them by doing this and potentially other things, especially if they have a mental illness that causes them to have false thoughts. They think that they are "freeing their loved ones from their burden" (Freedenthal 2015). So, this goes back to validation over invalidation once again while helping the person with problem-solving. Guilting them is very unwelcoming, unhelpful, unsupportive, and can make them shut down even more. This does not give them the hope that they need to be encouraged with.
Their suicidal thoughts may be occurring in addition to All or Nothing thoughts, such as "I am not good enough" and not acknowledging the positive parts of their lives. While it is absolutely important to acknowledge the bad stuff, the positive parts should be acknowledged as well. For example, if a person has experienced trauma that caused them to lose people and/or things, acknowledge how hard those parts are too along with what they have been doing or can do for self-care and the people that they still have if they have anyone left. Acknowledge the fact that they have a job and/or are about to graduate soon to encourage hope; however, be careful about choosing to use this as telling someone to "think positive" or "You have so much to live for" can come off as "a lack of understanding" (Freedenthal 2015). While these things are absolutely important to try to keep in mind and "things could be worse," that does not mean that what they are experiencing does not matter. What people with suicidal thoughts are going through at the time is causing them depression and heartbreak that is so severe that it is unbearable in their mind to the point that their mind is telling them that they cannot handle it and that the only way out is suicide.
3. Encourage the person to talk one-on-one with you
You can encourage them to talk one-on-one with you about how they are feeling. If they say, "No," never force it; keep in mind that not all but many people respond "no" to offers to talk about their feelings due to shutting down when they are upset. Encourage them to talk to you by opening the conversation with a discussion topic about one of their interests. For example, you could do this by saying something such as, "You like sports, right? I want you to follow me so that we can have a great conversation." I have observed that most of the time, this technique motivates people to talk to people in their emotional support systems about their negative thoughts.
Whether they are receptive to this offer or not, either way it shows that you are willing to listen to them and welcomes anything that they want to disclose. While it is valid to feel worried during situations like these, remain as calm as possible to the best of your ability when communicating with anyone who is expressing negative self-talk or suicidal thoughts and other necessary parties. Also, make sure to closely monitor the person.
4. Ask what the person what is happening that making me them want to die by suicide and what ways they are thinking of dying by suicide.
Asking this shows the person that you want to try to understand what they are going through. You can also say "Tell me more" as a follow up prompt and to show that you are listening. Assessing the situation by asking if they have any ways that they plan on taking their life can determine the level of severity of the situation. "A person who put a lot of time and thought into suicide methods might be in more danger than someone with a vague wish to be dead, for example" (Freedenthal 2017). Make sure to remove or have someone remove their access to weapons "until the danger of suicide goes down" for sure (Freedenthal 2017).
5. Offer specific help
The person may or may not know what they need for support. Sometimes when so many well-intentioned people say to loved ones with mental health struggles, "Let me know what you need" or "What do you need?", the person will rarely know how to answer this open-ended question/statement. This is usually because they do not want to burden anyone, or they may not know what they need off the top of their head when they are put on the spot. They may be very relieved when they get a message or call from you or you approach them saying something, such as, "Wanna video chat?", "My family/friends and I are going out to eat for dinner tonight/I am going out to dinner tonight. Can you join us/me?", "Send your children over to play", "I'm at Giant. What do you need?", or if you bring them food or something. You can come to their house to visit as a surprise or with them knowing ahead of time or invite them over to your house with a ride to and from offered. They may also need a hug and/or someone to talk to about what they are going through or as a positive distraction. When people are able to think of ways to help people who are in a dark place instead of putting that burden on them or putting them on the spot, it can be huge.
These offers also do not need to only be made when someone is grieving a death of a loved one. They can be made during those hard times along with when someone is grieving other heartbreaking losses, sick, having a rough day, week, month, or year for other difficult reasons, or in a dark place because that is what their mental health condition does to them. So, offer specific help instead of making your hurting friend ask for it. Also, make sure to keep these offers as offers by encouraging them instead of forcing them even if you think that certain things are what are best for them with genuine intentions.
6. Say "dying by suicide" or "take their/your life" instead of "commit(ted) suicide."
Almost ten years ago, I learned from an article about suicide prevention called Please Stop Saying 'Committed' Suicide written by Kyle F. on The Mighty's website that it is important to say, "dying by suicide" or "take their/your life" instead of "commit(ted) suicide" (Kyle F 2015). Before 1963, attempted suicide actually used to be considered a crime, but luckily, "laws have changed" (Kyle F 2015). Saying that someone "committed suicide", "attempted to commit suicide", or "wants to commit suicide" is like saying that they committed a crime. When someone dies by suicide, attempts suicide, or is having suicidal thoughts, this is not committing a crime. Talking this way comes off as shameful. People with suicidal thoughts are in such a low mental state at the time that they are not in the right headspace and their minds are telling them that suicide is the only solution to their problem(s). This is especially true if they are heartbroken and grieving a tragedy or other losses.
7. "I do not know what to say, but I am here to listen."
If you do not know what to say or do to help, the least that you can do is show that you are listening. Make sure to take care of yourself as well and only make yourself available if you are able to do so. Remember that you are one person who can only do so much. This is especially important if you are not a mental health professional and even mental health professionals need to take care of themselves. Self-care is not selfish and do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
Tell the person about which mental health resources are available, such as the different types of therapies, suicide prevention lifelines, and crisis text lines. "That said, if you are feeling solely responsible for keeping the person alive, it's best to involve others, too" (Freedenthal 2015). In today's world, it is common for schools to have Crisis Intervention Teams (CIT), which consist of counselors who help to de-escalate situations when students' mental health could be in danger. So, if you are an educator at a school that has a CIT program and one of your students is ever expressing suicidal thoughts, contact the CIT program immediately to let them know what the student is saying. The CIT counselor should come to the classroom that the incident is happening in immediately. When the CIT counselor arrives, have a brief one-on-one conversation with them in a separate part of the classroom or the hallway about the situation. Make sure that at least one educator is present in the classroom to supervise your students (This supervision rule is important in all classrooms for students of all ages and abilities at all times, especially in emergencies!). Then, the CIT counselor and/or you (if your school does not have a CIT program or the situation is happening in an environment that is not a school) should kindly approach the student with a smile to encourage them to talk one-on-one together. Also, reassure the person that they are not in trouble and that they are safe. If the person stating these negative thoughts is a student, call their parent/guardian in a separate room to make them aware of what happened after the conversation with you or the CIT counselor.
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Overall, these ways of communicating with a person who is experiencing suicidal thoughts are very supportive, trauma-informed, and show the person that they have nothing to be ashamed of. These alternative statements show empathy and can tell individuals who struggle with suicidal thoughts and negative self-images that they matter. To quote the Book of Leviticus from the Bible, "Whoever kills an animal shall restore it, but whoever kills a person shall surely be put to death" (Leviticus 24:17). In other words, when people wreck objects or parts of things or places, such as cars or buildings, these things can be fixed or replaced. However, if people wreck other people emotionally or spiritually, this is spiritual/emotional murder and can leave permanent emotional scars along with many other scary concerns. Words do hurt and emotional and spiritual murder always stays with the people who get hurt. Mental health struggles are also not always visible and when they are revealed, no one knows the full story of what is going on in anyone's mind for sure. There are people who are mentally fighting for their lives without telling anyone. "When these infidel states are vanquished, you become a life-giver to others: 'And if anyone saves a life, it is as if that person has given life to humankind altogether'" (Qur'an 5:32). In conclusion, it is important for everyone to be life-givers who keep an open-mind about the struggles that other people could be facing.
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If you are affected by suicide or suicidal thoughts, you are not alone and there is hope. If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or text "HOME" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. If deaf and hard of hearing, call 988 Videophone [for American Sign Language (ASL) users], dial 711 then 988, or send any message to 988. All of these hotlines are available 24/7 in the United States and Canada.
You can also visit The Mighty's suicide prevention resources page by clicking on this link: https://themighty.com/suicide-prevention-resources/
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Citations
1. F, Kyle. (21 Jul. 2015). Please Stop Saying 'Committed' Suicide. https://www.themighty.com/topic/suicide/why-you-shouldnt-say-committed-suicide/
2. Freedenthal, S. (2015). 10 Things Not to Say to a Suicidal Person. https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2015/03/03/what-not-to-say/
3. Freedenthal, S. (2017). 10 Things to Say to a Suicidal Person. https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2017/10/03/10-things-to-say/
4. Silverman, R. & Silverman, S. Rise Above It: Spiritual Development for College Students. (2018).
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